Cold wind swept past me again as I clung hard onto the slippery handrails. My feet splashed against the puddles on the wooden steps. I forced myself to keep climbing. One step at a time.
The journey to the top of the deck ran in slow motion, frame by frame. The top came closer, and closer, until we were just a few steps away...
And then I was standing at the very top of the towering deck, more than 20 feet up, staring all the way down, down, down to the vast glittering water below. In my 6-year-old mind this was the definition of things I should definitely have backed out of.
My older brother Rich stood next to me, a wide smile plastered on his face. How did he do it, acting like this was all perfectly fun? Did he not understand we were about to jump off what felt like a giant cliff?
“Are… are you sure this is safe?” I squeaked, trying to hide how my entire body was shaking violently.
“You’ll be fine! Come on, let’s go!” Rich answered, laughing. He grabbed my arm and started to drag me toward the edge.
I chanced another look over the side and immediately stumbled back. “I’m not sure if this is a good idea.”
“If you don’t go, I’ll push you off!” he added with a smirk. The genuine excitement in his tone told me he was more than willing to follow through with that promise.
“Okay okay okay! I’m going,” I said hurriedly, getting a safe distance away from him.
The drop felt taller and taller as I took a few shaky steps closer, my breath coming fast and hard. I could do this. I just had to jump.
“Three...” Rich counted.
The sounds of the water crashing down in waves. The scattered talking of the people around us.
“Two...”
Bracing myself. Crouching down.
“One!”
I jumped.
The world spun into a blur, everything racing around me. The roaring in my ears. All I felt was the rush.
The blue water came. Closer and closer and closer until—
I hit the surface.
The impact slammed into me full force. Swallowed by the freezing water, cold slicing across me. Water currents pulled at me from all directions. I thrashed around, twisting in the depths trying to right myself.
I gasped for air as my head popped from the water, frantically paddling toward shore to my family. Shaking from the cold, kicking hard against the waves, pushing myself forward as fast as I can.
“So what do you two want to do now?” my mom asked as Rich and I reached the shore, handing us each a towel.
“Again!” we yelled simultaneously, and I immediately raced back to the deck, feeling that new courage jolt through me again. I no longer had any reason to be in such fear of the drop anymore, or really, taking any other big risks in life.
All I had to do was jump.
Hi.
3 things I liked about your personal statement
You provide vivid descriptions for the moments leading up the the climax. It transports the reader into the story, and puts them in your shoes. I actually felt like I was jumping the first time I read it.
The statement clearly shows your drastic mentality change after the jump. The reader can see that you have gained confidence after surviving the jump.
Your inspirational adage you included to conclude your statement. It was full of meaning, and I like how you isolated it from the last sentence to emphasize.
1 thing you could improve
Although I like all the detail you put into the emotional aspect of the jump, maybe you…